Friday, 11 May 2012

Both of Us

A song by B.O.B f.t Taylor Swift.

There are days where I find myself wandering to a coffee shop because I feel a little confused and lost. We all get this way. I always think I've got everything figured out and for the most part, I do. But there are those days where something just totally throws off your energy and your way with the world that you fall off balance and have to take some time to gather yourself. When you're in another country, it can get quite overwhelming. Maybe more so than it normally would.

As usual, I'm not quite sure where I left off in my blog post. I normally don't take the time to read what I last wrote, because I normally just meander my way through the Internet until I feel like it's time to make another post. I just get little twitches in my nerves urging me to give an update even if it has nothing to do with teaching abroad.

Last week, I gave my 8 weeks notice to my boss and my flight is officially booked for June 23-- the day after my birthday. Crazy to think that my last day will be my birthday. It's also crazy to think that my brother will be here in about two weeks and my parents soon to follow after, as well. These weeks go by so quickly. The days go by slow on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday but the mini short days in between give me a real breather. I think it helps somewhat to make the week go by faster. The leaving date is creeping up so quickly and I am not ready to leave. I feel like there is so much left to do and see. And I'm losing weight so slowly no matter my efforts with dieting and working out constantly. It gets to be discouraging that I'm not seeing the results quicker after a month, now. I hate having to resist buying things I want --especially food-- when I only have (now) 6 weeks left to indulge. I also hate that my flight back home costs half a month's worth of hard work in salary--ugh.

Well, as the days come closer, I don't feel myself getting any more attached than I did in the first couple of weeks here. I have to be honest. I think it's because I really don't feel my voice being heard at the hagwon, I don't feel any support from my co-teachers or any slight want of a rapport. The way the children are "nurtured" here is completely ridiculous. If I may be so blunt, they say they care about the business and the kids. "First and foremost, the kids." I beg to differ. I can understand that one of the co-teachers at least, really enjoys kids. (Not so much the co-teachers I work with, though). However, I think truly caring about a kid is not just taking care of them, but rather building their character as well. Nurturing their personalities at a young age is the most important time to shape their mindset. Personally, that's just what I think. Maybe I'm biased from the way I was raised. Of course, there are things I will change when I raise my kid(s), but I know there is a baseline standard of how to discipline a child when things are just plain wrong, black and white wrong. These children are coddled and smothered so much I feel like I'm the one gagging and suffocating at how disgusting it is.

Then there's this looming upcoming depressing date where Ryan has to leave for law school. He's been feeling like he's in a bit of a rut-- a lifeless routine doing the same old stuff with me. I get it I guess. It can be boring... but even being understanding doesn't mean it won't hurt a little. I guess the experience of being a foreigner in an Asian country is different for him. Well, obviously it is. He's caucasian. Why wouldn't it be different? I guess he has this thing where he wants to explore places by himself because people will approach him more than when I am not with him. Again, it kind of hurts, but I try to be understanding. I guess I'd want to, too if I lived in some country where Asians were a rare sight. But unfortunately, Europe's got plenty of Asians to go around-- enough that they're not like a full moon once a month or something. Anyway, that's one thing looming over my head. It's such a tiny bothersome thing but it just keeps nagging at the back of my head. It's hurtful, I'm trying to be understanding, and I wish there was a way I could experience what he's experiencing. But I've got to take all this in for what it is I supposed. I'm 23, I'm still growing. Right?

There are tons of other things weighing down on me, but I don't feel like this is a place to address any of those things. Otherwise, someone might psychoanalyze my brain or something. I can't wait to be done with this job. If it was my old hagwon, I can't say I would be having this same feeling. I actually liked my co-teachers and absolutely fell in love with all the kids. Yes, even the hardest and craziest troublemakers. Albeit the boss.... well, let's just acknowledge that will be a tangent that cannot be addressed here.

Anyway, I don't know what to do to shake this feeling of abysmal depression. I've been trying to hold the both of us up with all the oncoming stress, but I can't do it anymore. Working out isn't helping even with the up of endorphins. Alone time kind of helps, but even that has its limits. Not sure what it is. But I'm planning to sleep it off even though I've got a gut feeling it's not going away. Lots of feelings. Too many feelings that I can't even discuss. Aye me.